One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
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wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
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I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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