get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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