doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
he shaved USA in his pubs
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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