Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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