Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
