Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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