I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
