My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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