Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
