i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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