I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
