Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
