Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
