Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
