I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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