I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Ladies don't puke and tell
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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