My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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