She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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