So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
