Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
