How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
