sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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