Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i love accidental penises.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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