I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
