There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
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I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
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I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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