hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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