haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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