what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
