so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
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If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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