You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
