He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
