Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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