Do you still have your period?
im six kinds of drunk right now
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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