i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
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Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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