So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
