Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
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Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
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You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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