i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
