So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
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He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
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Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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