My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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