If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
