Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize