I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
