your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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