i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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