I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
