mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
