Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
