my mouth tastes like poor choices
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
