you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
These tits shall not be calmed
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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