He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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