Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
