Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
