the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We had to coat check the pizza.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
